some say, its an emotional stopover.
some say, bottling up feelings inside will somehow overflow.

i say, its a state of denial.

in denial and maybe, in a state of ignorance, or suppression of feelings that is causing a quiet still, deep down in my heart.
i hardly feel anything, just a binge of silence and perhaps loneliness.
its like a blanket, covering me, holding me within.

its not that im complaining, but maybe im growing into that typical, cynical single woman who eventually become a grumpy old aunty, old maid. u know? i think you guys can picture out that whole image. because apparently, there are such woman lingering around in Singapore.

wanna blame it on the men? wanna blame it on the country itself for being almost a difficult place to stay in? (no money, no honey baby!) or just a choice of being a career woman and everything else is at stake. a woman works her ass off and then suddenly realise she is in her mid 40s. gone is her youth and all that was supposedly to be glorified and so on and so on.

hah! i have heard of people saying, American Dream. how about a Singapore Dream? 5Cs – Cash, Credit Cards, Condominium, Car & Career. its like everyone is dreaming of having such. most of my friends are almost reaching this dream. its not a dream anymore, its a reality. you are earning well when you have at least 80% of this “Singapore Dream”.

then what happened to that thing call, “family”? most of my peers are married, some with kids. some are happy, some are shaky, others are just starting their lives as a husband and wife. no, not criticising or being cynical, but there are just too much negative inflow in our lives right now, seems like the light of happiness is slowly diminishing.

reality check. typhoons in Philippines, earth quake in Indonesia, flash floods in Taiwan, massive sand storms in Australia. funny looking species appearing. even political views in some countries that used to be in peace, somehow in chaos. what the hell happened?

what is going on? are we humans forgetting something? or are we just living in denial? are we so daring enough to do the unthinkable like raping your own daughter and keep her in a dungeon for 20 over years? whats up with that?!

i seriously feel, like the world is slowly going crazy. perhaps, our sanity is diminishing with time. we are eroding away our values. u know, perhaps, those UFOs out there will think we are some kind of aliens who are forgetting our roots.. and not realising that this earth is a ticking bomb, sooner or later.

i shrudder at the thought of that. but signs are showing everywhere. just recently, i read an article. Doomsday is slated to be in the year 2012.

if it is really a doom’s day, then… i just have 3 more years left to go. or maybe less than that as we are coming to the end of 2009.

whatever.

i almost forgotten we are stepping on the same earth, we are looking up at the same sky, we share the same warmth from the same sun, we share the beautiful moon and we are marvelled by the same stars.

everyone of us is the same. we came from HIM, we will return to HIM somehow.

but yet, we forget.
greed.
power.

the slayers of mankind.

on a different note, we have lost a couple of famous peeps like Michael Jackson and recently, Stephen Gately. (i love this guy though his gay to pieces!).
cant believe how short life can be.

may god bless their souls.

i was imagining having a few friends, who stick together till they get married, have kids and then just grow old together. that kind of like normally people hope to have with their other halves.

i have few friends. probably getting married. probably having kids. i have a few who have kids. -looks at tracy-

heh, i have not seen you for a long time, babe.

anyway, life exudes many freedom, many pain, many feelings, and many many wonderful/bad/horrowing/sorrows/joyful etc etc things.

it is just a matter of experiencing the best and the worst in life.

i dread the word “growing up”.

when i was 13, cant wait to grow up.
now at 27, i feel like slowing down abit.

14 years.
14 years change so much things in life.

i just kept quiet and she spoke up quietly.

“it is easier to hate yourself, than to hate others. but its easier to love others than to love yourself.”

i understood the meaning.
i hate me.

but i will never understand why.
it is easier to hate yourself, because its only yourself.
you are not hurting anyone else but yourself.

its not making sense of whatever i said right now.
but.. i really hate me.

11 years ago, i was in secondary school. i was doing my final year and then big Os were coming like about the same time as now (i supposed!). supposedly preparing for exams, i think. my form teacher was a kick-ass woman! she was full of funny ideas, always having those funny thoughts and always doing funny things in school. she was, or rather, is a remarkable teacher (although she did got on our nerves at certain times!).

in fact, my teachers back in secondary school were pretty much laid back (except for secondary 2, we got a discipline mistress as a form teacher!!). but i think the one who should won an award – Mr Keh Hock Hai. EC3C. the most freaking laidback teacher, EVER! he reminded me of Mr Bean, Singapore Style. where can you find a teacher who comes to school right at the dot of time (7.30am to be precise!) and leaves school at 1.30pm. (it was so difficult to find him after school!) i heard, during that time, he was retiring but boy, we gave him a “splendid” retiring gift for being the most difficult class he could ever taught.

you see, we were a bunch of lunatics and hard-ass shits and monkeys. we had the super ah-lians in our class (believe it or not, they used to throw chairs at each other and shouted at one corner of the class to another, scolding vulgarities!), our guys in the class were pretty much sought after (well, our class monitor was from the Young Lions team back in 1998, he went around the world to play football) and we had the super goody girls.

let me bring you back to the year 1997, secondary 2. we had this science teacher whom many hated. she couldnt teach and i think she was wearing wig because her hair just stood the same way as it was, despite rain, wind or hot day. but that was not the point. i was in the second class, 2B. and towards the end of the year, it was chaos because we had to choose our classes (so called, to major in few subjects). i chose the class that offered History, Geography, Phys/Chem (they removed biology during my year!), Principles of Accounting, Maths, English and Mother Tongue. ok, this is besides the point.

the point was, the girls from 2D hated the science teacher. so they decided to “boycott” that teacher, petitioned to get her remove from the school. (yes, those days were alot of fun, i must say! i swear, democracy started from secondary school.) and so, they went around to Sec 2 Express classes – that included my class. 2A, 2B, 2C & 2D. just to identify the classes – 2A – the kids there, well, were pretty hated for too. it was not surprising being the first class of the whole cohort. lets not go further. 2B – my class. we were more of the laidback class. whatever we did, we tried to be at peace with everyone. well, our form teacher was pretty clownish (dont have such word, but just go figure ok?). 2C – hmm, i didnt have much impression of this class but i do know that my NPCC Unit team was made up, mainly from that class! and 2D – girls rulez! because the whole entire class was girls! all 40 of them!

and so the fight began. i couldnt remember the exact details but when the 2D girls came to our class to get us to sign the petition, we just politely decided not to join in. for one reason, we did not want to get into trouble. so the girls just left as that. came in rage, left in peace. well, like i’ve said, we were the most peaceful class ever. but 2A girls, haiz… if only they would settle it in the most civilised manner ever, we wouldnt have to witness a “cat fight”.

well, you see, the trouble didnt end there. i was put in EC3C. and much to my dismay, the same group of 2D girls who went around to petition were in that class, BUT so were the 2A girls who were deemed to be BITCHES. and so, we witnessed the most legendary moments in class. we were supposed to be ONE, but we split into several classes in our own class. quarrels and fights were so common that Mr Keh had a hard time trying to diffuse the tension. i have no idea, what i got into back in secondary school. but boy, i really enjoyed most of my secondary school life during my upper secondary level.

can you imagine this, we were one for all, and all for one, united for the WRONG REASONS! one most vivid memory – the whole class was caught cheating during history lessons! we had our history textbooks open during class test. and that cheating was during our mid year exams! can you imagine that? and the teacher who caught us – Ms Yap. HAH!

i think somehow the friendship we had in the class got better and better over that two years. towards the end of the year, the girls in the class were inseparable! we were united (that includes the girls from 2A & 2D!). we became really good friends. we spent most of our time together. even going out, as one whole group, TOGETHER!

i cant help, but reminiscing about the past. so far, i’ve caught up with some of the girls through Facebook. maybe i should organise a get together soon.

again, 11 years ago, i was pretty much innocent but yet, madness. i was in this group – combination of ah lians and minahs! you could never imagine, the kind of fun i had. (though we did beat up some people, mostly guys because they bullied one of our sisters!) but we never went to the extreme. yes, we were mischievious. but we were 16.

as compared to my time, i think kids@16 nowadays are much worse than us! dont say 16, i have a life example, age 12++++, already act like she’s 21. i feel like slapping her sometimes but i guess, parents ARE to blame, no matter what.

well, she will get to see and experience. since she’s damn bloody stubborn, i just hope time will let her see, that whatever she is right now, is not going to bring her anywhere. i also have another idiot who’s 15. same thing. i have no idea, where they got this syndrome from.

oh well, i know its not right to say its not my problem but yeah, it is not my problem anyway. i am that kind. refuses to listen what i say, i shall not bother you for the rest of your life.

another month is coming to an end. we are inching closer to 2010. 4 more months. tomorrow will be 1 September. oh, teacher’s day! happy teachers day to all those magnificient individuals who are “risking their lives” to shape up the younger generation. it is much more challenging. i think, the world has too much changes.

anyway, happy days to all. like i’ve wished for, wish all of you a splendid happiness for the years to come.

(happy birthday, kee lum! i hope that kiss from 11 years ago did not haunt you!)

my heart is at peace.
and im happy.

i am only looking forward for my peaceful moments.

Ramadan – the most peaceful month of the whole year.
we believe that during this month, the statement of conscience plays an important role. it was said that during this month, the real you will finally emerge.

fasting does not only mean to go without food or water for a day, but also with smoking and of course, those other activities such as watching movies and going out for parties. technically speaking, we should respect the fasting month by doing more good deeds like do more prayers, help the poor and needy and also, to spend more time with family.

we have to watch our words too, if we were to scold vulgarities, then our fast is deemed to be void. we have to watch our tempers, practice more patience and of course, try to be as peaceful as you can be.

thats why i said, its a peaceful month. you wont see me running around, going out often or doing things that i used to do. i would still love to respect fasting month for the love of Allah.

without food & water, you get tired so much easier than any other days. i rather not spark my tempers and blow up in any way possible. i have been listening to alot of hari raya songs, and prayers on my mp3 player.

ku harapkan ketenangan di hati. ku mohon ampun daripadamu, tuhan. kehadiran ramadhan ini, ku harapkan ketabahan dan bimbinganmu, ya allah. semoga hatiku dilembutkan dan ku ingin bertaubat terhadap kesalahan kesalahan ku yang berlalu. amin.

)

hmm.

fuck it.

just do what you feel is right for you.

maybe it was because i refused to face the day.
or maybe it was because i lost faith in everything.
love is such a tiring word.
and a chore for me at this moment.

dont tell me i should fall in love
although i admit loneliness can get very hard to bear with.
but im getting used to it.
in fact, i suddenly feel its much more comforting being alone.

yes, emoing. to the maximum.
but, this is something i’ve grown familiar with.
something that this heart has grown accustomed to.
it doesnt matter if its wrong or right.

i dont bother to find out if i’ve done the right job.
but i know, letting them be happy is the most noble thing i have done.

i was finally awake last night.
i just couldnt get to sleep.

i feel a like a fool.
made out of foolishness and belief that this is happening.
unfortunately, it will never be, and never going to happen.

that smile on the face has faded.
and even if you could hear laughter on my side, its fake.

And if you ever fall in love again
You must make sure that the lady is a friend
And if you ever fall in love so true
You must be sure that she feels the same way too

(dont smile; if you cant. just dont force if you cant do it. because your heart is far from healing. the pain seems so strong.)

[Chorus:]
What hurts the most, was being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
Never knowing, what could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do

It’s hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go
But I’m doing it
It’s hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I’m alone
Still harder gettin up, gettin dressed, living with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade, give away all the words that I saved in my heart that I left unspoken

What hurts the most, was being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
Never knowing, what could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do

I’m not afraid to cry
Every once in a while even though goin on with you gone still upsets me
There are days
Every now and again I pretend I’m OK but that’s not what gets me

[Chorus x2]

im gonna pretend, for the rest of my life that this wont hurt.
this wont kill.
this wont even make me feel like i’ve lost.

im gonna pretend, that im gonna be alright.
that i will still continue to smile.
that this heart will not be torn between two friends.

im gonna pretend, as much as i could.
and even if i couldnt, i shall remain nonchalant.

im good at being nonchalant.
i will be in a super state of denial that this pain is not hurting inside.

i will turn deaf, become blind and ignorantly oblivious to this word, “Love”.

i’ll stop here.

-listening Wo Nan Guo by 5566-

(some things are not meant to be mine; i shall not keep. there is no hope in anything you thought you could believe in. and all thats left, is just periodically, pain and hurt. betrayal and loathe. i could never look at things, the same way anymore.)

the last news i heard of him, was him turning into Islam. adopting the name of MIKAEL and has become a fully pledged Muslim. whatever it is, he is going to be truly missed by many fans out there. in my own words and prayers, may god bless his soul.

things happened, and sometimes out of sudden. Yesterday, we lost Farah Fawcett – one of the 3 “CHARLIE ANGELS” (the old version). maybe, this year has alot of things/people that we have lost. we lost wealth – World Financial Crisis. we lost health – H1N1 Flu. we lost celebrities – John Travolta’s son; Heath Ledger; Michael Jackson; Farah Fawcett. we lost people – Air France went missing and crashed.

so many things happened, and yet im still struggling to keep abreast with my own things. this mind is slowly disintegrating. like a shadow casting over my head, and i couldnt even recognise the light. i could hardly see.

im single. all alone. im happy, almost. i dont wanna find something huge in life and then along the way, losing them to many others or something else. im happy the way i am. being single has been alright so far. and i enjoy being all by myself. hehe.

so joyce, dont worry ya? im a HAPPY kid!

and perhaps, i should be concentrating on my work. i had the longest break this week. and im enjoying every bit of that break. although i came back with a flu (NOT H1N1), im pretty cool about other things.

goodbye MJ.
we all going to miss you.